There is a balance point between feelings, that when practiced, makes for harmonious relationships. We're not usually at that point, due to the masculine/feminine bent toward opposites poles in relationship to the way we use feelings, not feelings themselves. And it's this "use" where our communications about what we are really feeling breaks down, and so causes discord. When we use feelings to manipulate, instead of communicating our authentic feelings, then what happens is the truth is not being told. There is a great difference between authentic feelings, and feelings generated on purpose, for a reason, even if not always done consciously. If we learn how to communicate truthfully about our authentic feelings, whether we are female or male, then the balance point is reached.
I have often heard women speak about their feelings, for instance, that they "feel like they want more affection" and in speaking that, expect men to hear what they're saying. This is what they are not saying: I want more affection. This is what they are saying: I want to feel better, and I expect that your actions are going to accomplish that. And, if you don't carry out those actions, there will be consequences. The expectation on the part of women is that if they say it often enough, or loud enough, then men will hear what they have to say, in the way they really mean it even when in the current competing paradigm model, that will never happen. What would be more powerful for a powerful woman, would be to say what they really wanted. If it's a hug, then ask for that. If it's a hot kiss, then ask for that. There's no way around this, you have to ask for exactly what you want, and then be happy when you receive your request!
The problem with miscommunicating for women, is that they have been so thoroughly trained into subterfuge. Men have too, but let's start here for now. Women often use their emotions to manipulate, dominate, and control a situation. Or they certainly try to use them for that purpose. How do I know this? When a woman who does not know me, says to me, "Oh, you're just not in touch with your feelings," and I am a man who is confident in my knowing that I am very much in touch with how I feel, then something else is going on here. What's going on here, is that women haven't allowed themselves to reach the balance point. In their thinking, they have such a hard wired picture of "how men are," and by the way "how women are," that they don't allow themselves to let go of those all too often false images, and then really be with themselves and others, as they are. Not as how they believe others are, but how they really are. This point would be to see the balance point of men being in touch with their feelings, and with themselves as women in being in touch with their authentic feelings, when it's right in front of their eyes. Not the manipulative feelings, the ones generated because they want something, but because, yes, what they're communicating is really the way they feel.
Because women do. They do use "how they feel" as a way to be manipulative. How does this work? It works because this is the way life works: What you give out, you live out. If what women are living out is a lack of affection, it is only because they are first, not being affectionate with themselves, and then in turn, with those around them who they love. Affection isn't "gotten" it's given. So if a woman says that she's not getting "enough attention" that means that there's some empty spot inside of her, that no one and no thing outside of herself, and how she feels about herself (authentic feelings) that will fill that void. Oh, yes, we can all feel better receiving our wants and desires, and that's not what I'm talking about here. I'm talking about, with regard to feelings, the truth that only we can fulfill our emptiness inside, and with that fullness complete, give it out to live out. That's when we feel affection all around us, because we're attracting it with the huge affection magnet of our own feelings we are generating from inside of ourselves.
The battle looks like this: A woman says that she's not receiving enough affection, and in part, she's right! She isn't receiving enough affection, but not from outside, but from inside of herself. To blame her partner for not being "more romantic" is a manipulate ploy designed to receive more from a place that cannot give you more, because the more you really want can only come from your own feelings of self-worthiness. And it's not that the request and fulfillment of romanticism isn't great, it is! But only in coming from receiving the fruits of that request from a place of self-worthiness, will actually allow you the space to receive that gift in the first place. Without those feelings of self-worthiness that can only be generated from within ourselves, no balance point will ever be reached, and the miscommunications between the sexes will continue.
Onto men. This whole article by the way, isn't about anything but observing the way things are. The Universe could not care less how you feel, or how you do not feel. Only we do. It has no interest in determining your state of being, only you do. That said, men say "I want to be left alone." But that's not what they are saying. This is what they are saying: "I am closed up and don't know how to express how I feel, and I'm embarrassed at my lack of skill." Because you know that the one thing that men want to show to others, is their skill in every area of life. So if there's an area that they haven't been trained in, they feel embarrassment, and joke about it, often bitterly. That area would be to be in touch with their authentic feelings! Sound like women too? It does! But for either sex, to not have developed a skill, means, and only means, to not have developed a skill! The thing to do then, is to go out and develop it, especially if it seems to be of value to you to do so. Men, it is! Because in the fullness of authentic relationships is a joy not often felt in life, and more joy is always good.
So in the opposite poles paradigm as both sexes now practice it, no real communication takes place. Women are using feelings to manipulate, and men are using feelings, or the lack of them, to manipulate as well, but in the opposite direction. Their actions speak of wanting to close down so they don't have to feel what they really feel, because that could be dangerous! Especially if the feelings are strong, they would leave you vulnerable, and open to attack. Well, they will, but from what?
Truth is, in the tell the truth now, tell the truth later method of living a successful life, we can only attack ourselves, when it comes to feelings. Like Buddha said, "being angry at another is like holding a hot coal in your bare hand, intending to throw it at someone several hours later." What happens then? Only we get burnt, and only by our own actions.
So what's the solution? Using The Loving Process© works incredibly well for the generation and maintenance of feelings of self-worthiness. For both sexes. And then, to communicate clearly, what the truth is, also helps. Because with men and women I have worked with, it's obvious that both men and women don't understand, that with the paradigm women are operating under, and with the paradigm men are operating under, men aren't hearing what women have to say, and women are not hearing what men have to say. Because they can't! Not that they don't want to, but they are so convinced that their point of view is right, when The Universe could not care less what anyone's point of view is, that instead of reaching the balance point, they will argue to the death, that what they are saying is the way things actually are. To the death of their relationships, their love, and even at times, their very lives in all sorts of ways, including disease. Then, they get to be right! Not happy, but right. Both parties do this! Yet when real sharing is done, and authenticity communicated between parties happens, a real love begins to flow between couples that is incredible to witness. It can happen, but it takes work on a continual basis to get off of whatever paradigm you are convinced is right, and instead, actually be with the person in front of you. And this is true regardless of what the relationship is, from partners, lovers, friends, to talking with a child. In every case, this kind of authentic communication always works to allow the love that is already there to be felt by both parties.
And it's in the giving of love, that you will most feel yourself living love. The one adage that holds so true here is that for relationship "Success isn't in what comes to you, it's in what comes out of you." Think about that. Love happens from the hugs you give, the love you give, the expectations you give up and just let go of, so that you won't expect that the hugs and love will be returned, because you don't give them for another, you give them for yourself! I know, it's a hard process to practice, but just because something is hard to do, doesn't mean that it doesn't have immense value to us as loving human beings, both men and women. So want some love? Some affection? Start giving it to yourself first, and then go out there and let the world have it! Because you know what? It needs you!
READ MORE - Communicating For Successful Relationships
